A-hum. Welcome

BONG!  A SCHOOLKIDS’ party turned into an ORGY with teenagers openly having sex in a village hall. BONG!

More bongs because scantily-clad girls (so, BLOODY scantily-clad they were, I’ve never seen anyone EVER, so clad in such a scantily fashion) - aged about 14 - romped with lads stripped to their boxer shorts. Yeah the boys kept their boxers on while having the sex, that’s something that definately happened. Not the socks, they came off, but the biggest obstacle to the sex-having stayed on, did those boxers. Ooh, can’t lose our dignity now, can we?

Village hall (love how it was in a village hall, that’s making a comeback it seems, after years of ballet classes and Women’s Institute meetings, finally some orgies!) chairman Alan Day said: “All hell was let loose. Children were drunk to the eyeballs.” I don’t know how he knows, I can GUARANTEE he was not there.

The teenagers’ school has since written to parents to warn about possible pregnancies, saying: “The risks are real. Assume the worst.” Imagine that letter:-

Dear Parent,

It has come (LIKE YOUR FUCKING SON DID) to our attention that your son/daughter was involved in sexual relations with a classmate (or two.  Actually probably the whole class) while in attendance at a party in the village hall (I know, what were they thinking? A house would’ve been better, surely?!). If you have twins, incest is a possibility/probability. You may be a grandparent. Do not force your son/daughter into marrying the corresponding parent(s) of their child(ren), as you may find your in-laws may be Tory’s. The risks are real, assume the worst.

This is also a perfect opportunity to remind you that we have free places available for next years nursery and playgroups, please inquire at reception.

Your’s Faithfully (unlike your children),

The Headmaster.

About 200 pupils duped parents into thinking the party was being organised by adults.

The mayhem even spilled (USE, A CONDOM. Or a funnel) outside, in front of shocked locals. Mr Day added: “They were having sex in the village square standing up.” That’s nothing. Diagonal sex is where it’s at. The fun hasn’t begun until your erections exactly vertical. ALSO THOUGH, I love how that’s impressed this man, he’s really not had much experience has he? He ain’t never even done no sex has he? I’m imagining this man to look like a bishop or a librarian type of chap. He needs to get a life, and by which I mean - a wife. To do sex with. And to persuade to him to GET OUT THE FUCKING VILLAGE HALL CHAIRMANSHIP YOU SAD TWAT.

One boy whose drink was spiked nearly DIED, and pals attacked the ambulance taking him to hospital. Oh God it’s turned serious.Ohh Christ, look busy…

The Queen Elizabeth School in Kirkby Lonsdale, Cumbria, admitted last night that drug abuse had also taken place at the bash in nearby Wray.

In her letter to parents, deputy head (She’s at it too?! BAD, EXAMPLE set there) Alison Hughes said a “disturbingly high” number of girls had unprotected sex. Police said they had received no complaints. And why would they, eh?

DO you know anything about the party? Ring us on 020 7782 4104. Right, we all know The Sun aren’t going to run this story again. So why are they asking for more details unless to pander to their dirty little fetishes?! SICK ABUSE OF POWER. Imagine that phonecall though!

“Yes, um, I have information regarding the sexinavillagehallwithteenagers story?”

“Yes? Mmmm go on..tell me what they were wearing? What did they scream? What was the catalyst, describe each stroke and choke..”

“Well my son was in nothing but his boxers, his 6 pack and pecs dripping with sweat..”

“NO! NO! THE GIRLS, THE GIRLLLSSS! THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANNTEDDDDD…” In a Frankestein “I created a monsterrrr!!” kind of way..

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/948462/Teen-party-Orgy-Kids-party-turned-intoa-a-sex-fest-in-local-village-hall.html?allComments=true

And go to page 7. A man called Peter Griffin, of Family Guy fame, climbed a mountain. He actually has a family too, so the similarities don’t end. You couldn’t make our local paper up. Well actually, you can. And they do, every day. But Lee Trundle is supposedly considering moving to Newport County, or as I like to call it - Heaven.

Anyway yeah if you laughed at Peter Griffin, you’re a sick twat. Because he died. I spit on your grave. Bastard.

So, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to be a physicist, which ruins my life long dream modelled after a certain Physics teacher’s life of being an in-the-cloest lesbian with a solar panel fetish.